It seems that I cannot sleep tonight (I’ll surely regret it tomorrow…well, in 3 hours…I’m gonna dieeee!…). Since my old fellows in Morocco left I’ve been attacked by nostalgia and I’ve been remembering all those people that, at some point, meant something to me.
When I was a child I spent a lot of hours dreaming while going through the pages of the atlas of my house or reading about Livingstone at the school library. I saw myself as a biologist in Kenya, waking up in my tent in the middle of the Serengeti, tying my boots and going into the savannah with my notebook to search for my lions ( I was a kid, man, I had a very romantic idea about biology and no worries about safety!). Since then I have always had a voice inside me (well, better call it intuition, I'm not schizophrenic! It was just for lyrical purposes...) which tells me things that I should do in order to reach that aim. One of those things was to never get tight bonds with anybody around me, since I knew, even then, that it was the shortest way to a sedentary life and I wanted to be a nomad. Especially, if you are a f&%cking sentimental girl who becomes fond of people too easily. Maybe that is why I have always been bad getting to know people, maybe I didn't really want to do so because of the fear that it could end up preventing me to follow my dreams. Nevertheless, one cannot avoid to cross paths with some people that somehow enrich your life at the high prize of a life-lasting yearning ( quería decir "añorarlos toda la vida", pero no sé yo...) and the emptiness of the lost of the emotions and the oblivion.
At the end, everything seems to vanish, and only a blurred memory of those times and feelings remain, more like a footnote than a sensation, like that phrase that Michael Douglas says to Val Kilmer in one of my favourite movies "The Ghost and the Darkness": "[...] A lot of things happen in your life and when they do you say - oh, yes, this memory will remain, for sure...I'll never forget this dawn, this hunting, this passion, and then...shh...disappear… […]” (Sorry, it’s the translation from the Spanish script…)
These days, remembering all those people that once were something in my life made me realize that most of them... mean nothing nowadays! It sounds tragic to me that all that energy, time and feelings are, at the end, just something that you were doing while waiting for something else…but tonight, while Marsellus Wallace (the downstairs cat, that looks cute but when you don't watch out he gets medieval on your ass) was looking at me through the smoke of my cigarette, I thought that maybe it's just one of those things that you have to accept. You can fight against many things, but you will certainly be defeated by nature, especially human nature.
One must live in the present, even if it was the past which made us. Maybe all those experiences were useful somehow; at least were good times (hedonism is a new acquisition of my philosophy and getting stronger, probably is the only thing that makes sense), and when they weren't, they made us stronger (I can't forget my dear Friedrich, even though). I'm not a Samburu, I'll always look behind, but I hope to don't do it so sadly and with regret; to accept the things as they are, particularly when the decisions are out of my hands or when everything has changed so much that bringing people of the past to the present could collapse the universe! Summarizing, I should add some Stoicism to my list too.
However, I would like to dedicate these nightly thoughts to all those people that have been going round and round in my head these days:
To my friends of the Boy Scouts, because of those nights around the fire, eaten by bugs, watching the starts from the sleeping bag and digging for shitting were unforgettable experiences of my childhood.
To my friends of Las Acacias, which were pretty much the same people of the high school, El San Juan de la Cruz (El tuto 3, tronkas!!), specially to the Physicist, who was my best friend during many, many years before some things happened; also to my Niñas Yks, my crazy gang during those blurred years of adolescence (hehe). Also to the Dominican, who made me have an idea of how a heart stroke must be. And to the Musician, the first teacher that taught me more than a subject (don't think bad, perverted people! She only showed us to fight for our rights!!).
To the girls of APDL, failed attempt of rap group, but was funny anyway. To El Nota, even if you deserve to die (joking, just a kick on the face); To Mr.Flow, you know.
To the Sevillan boy, because so many good times and so (so, so) many tears. To the Sevillan girl, for those long talks and good moments in Dublin, Sevilla and Madrid.
To my friends of the UAM, with whom I fully experienced the Madrid night (and that of Valencia, Oropesa, Monastir, Barcelona...), in addition to many other surrealistic experiences and good times. Among them, special thanks to Gammawoman, Carnival (sorry, girl, is for the song you like) for the crazy nights also in Dublin, Galway, Edinburgh, London and Paris, as well as for being my good friends during the degree; and to the 西班牙人 (hopefully means "Spanish"), because of the same and because you were there when I needed someone to talk to.
To three of the people of the workcamp in Husavik; the Catalan, the Valencian and the Slovak, because you helped me more than you think (probably you don't even remember me). To my friend of the workcamp in Gargantilla, the Polish, I'm glad that you are doing fine now. To my best friend during the Erasmus, the French, because we had great times at the pubs and at Stonehenge. I hope you finally find your way. I really miss you, girl. To my friends of the workcamp in Sipplingen, the Kyrgyzs, whom I remember with lots of affection.
To the people of the UB. Portuguese, I hope your thesis is a big success and that many field campaigns in lost tiny islands are waiting for you. Chilean artist, you added some surrealism to my life and I always appreciate that. Valencian, thanks for helping me out dealing with our advisor and the seabirds; good luck with the thesis.
To Corso, for such an extremely huge list of things... sorry I couldn't keep my word.
To you, because you triggered all this and possibly you will be part of this list one day...or maybe not, let the time decides so.
For all of you, good luck, wherever you are, whatever you are doing. I let you go, ghosts of the past; we may meet each other once or twice in the limbo before leaving, but we won't ever share some of our lives again, right?...Unfortunately, I'm a silly dreamer and I hardly ever follow my own advice... :
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